Permissive

Word Reclamation: Permissive

Permission Parenting

The current word reclamation, and then subsequent renaming will be “permissive parenting” to “permission parenting.”

In the extreme of the popular meaning of the word “permissive,” the parent allows their child to have whatever they want, whenever they want it. This may be for a myriad of reasons. Maybe the parent is afraid, indifferent, or indecisive. It may be that the parent thinks that giving the child everything they want will make them happy. The parent may care too much about what other people think, and therefore makes decisions based on that.

Sometimes the description is used to describe discipline tools used by the parent. Time outs or natural consequences being used by more “permissive” parents, while more painful methods used by parents who use more “strict” methods.

But when you put aside the popular concept of the word permissive and consider the definition, it would be difficult to imagine a loving parent not wanting to fit into this definition. Let’s take a look.

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English language defines permissive as:

per·mis·sive
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(p r-m s v)
adj.
1. Granting or inclined to grant permission; tolerant or lenient.
2. Permitting discretion; optional.
3. Archaic Not forbidden; permitted.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Who of us doesn’t want to give our children good things? Who of us wants to say “no” for the sake of saying it? But with the negativity surrounding the word, parents are afraid to be viewed as permissive because it is seen as spoiling or taking the easy way out.

Part of the reaction to permissiveness is the idea that there is no authority. But when you look at the act of granting permission, authority is the foundational concept. You cannot grant permission without authority.

per·mis·sion
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(p r-m sh n)
n.
1. The act of permitting.
2. Consent, especially formal consent; authorization.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

On the outside, some of the decisions and style of a permission parent may look permissive in the popular sense, but under the surface there is a different structure guiding the decisions.

The reaction to the popular idea of permissive parenting is to go to the extreme in other direction. The popular word for this is “strict,” though I believe this word, too, needs reclamation.

American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source
Strict (strĭkt) Pronunciation Key adj. strict·er, strict·est
1. Precise; exact: a strict definition.
2. Complete; absolute: strict loyalty.
3. Kept within narrowly specific limits: a strict application of a law.
4. Rigorous in the imposition of discipline: a strict parent.
5. Exacting in enforcement, observance, or requirement: strict standards. See Synonyms at severe.
6. Conforming completely to established rule, principle, or condition: a strict vegetarian.
7. Botany Stiff, narrow, and upright.[Middle English stricte, narrow, small, from Latin strictus, tight, strict, past participle of stringere, to draw tight; see streig- in Indo-European roots.] strict'ly adv., strict'ness n.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Though they appear to be antonyms, these two words are not mutually exclusive. A loving parent can be inclined to grant permission, while also being rigorous in the imposition of discipline. When the goal is to impart values, respect and experiences over compliance, the two can coexist in a complementary relationship.

Values are at the base of the difference. If control is the highest value, then strictness without permissiveness would be the goal. If happiness is the highest value, then permissiveness would be the goal. But when a process of learning is the goal, then a dance using both concepts will be the constant cadence of our lives.

I suggest a new term to describe this dance; “permission parenting.” With this concept, I have many wishes for my kids. I want them to learn to be patient, kind and generous through a healthy balance of yes’s and no’s coupled with teaching and explanations.

I want my kids to wake up each morning to a world full of opportunity. I want them to see that with every no there is a yes. When my little girl was small, she used to go all around the house touching things. I would say, “that’s a no. Go find your yeses” She responded so well to that small explanation. I want to help my kids to look for the yeses in life.

I also want my kids to learn to trust me to answer their questions, and hopefully with that trust, to learn patience.

I want them to know that I value them. I want them to believe that I want to help them learn. Sometimes the answer is simply, “Because I love you, and I’m trying to make the best decision in this.” It’s ok for them to know I have to pray for answers. It’s ok for them to see me change my mind sometimes.

Saying yes to the good with good timing is a wonderful and loving thing to do. The trick is figuring out which things are good and which things are not good. Sometimes it’s not that clear on the surface, and it takes a bit of falling in the mud to figure it out.

Questions I ask:
Is it good for them?
What value will it teach them if I give them permission?
Will it help them learn something?
Will waiting help them develop patience?
Is this a timely request that needs to be accepted now?
Will it make a good and lasting memory of love?
Is it a mistake?
Is it a mistake that they are willing to make and learn from?

One of the synonyms to permissive is tolerant, which also gets a bad wrap. At first glance, we think of tolerating something bad without saying anything, but there is more to the word than that. In a certain context, it doesn’t have to mean tolerating bad behavior. It could mean tolerating and forbearing difficult circumstances.

tol·er·ant
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(t l r- nt)
adj.
1. Inclined to tolerate the beliefs, practices, or traits of others; forbearing. See Synonyms at broad-minded.
2. Able to withstand or endure an adverse environmental condition: plants tolerant of extreme heat.

God doesn’t give us little blank people to mold. They have their own makeup that we work with. Being tolerant of those parts of our kids that we don’t understand and are different from us is a wonderful goal to aspire to. And what parent hasn’t endured adverse environmental conditions?

But this approach takes a strong parent who understands their values and their approach. It illicits criticism. Finally, it takes a lot of work because it is hard not to discourage a question while at the same time address the attitude behind it. It takes constant thinking and dependence on God for wisdom, which means that we will surely fail daily in our humanity.

God is the great parent. Our Father, who art in Heaven… What a wonderful comfort to know that the task of parenting has not been given to us without our being given the most competent example. Sometimes it’s easy to look at this person or that person’s strategy and wonder how their kids “will turn out” in time. It’s like we all want that magic mirror to look into for wisdom. We forget that God has been parenting generations of fallen humans just like our kids, and He has given us glimpses into his strategy through His Word.

There are a couple places in the Gospels that talk about this subject of permission. Jesus talks about God giving us good things when we ask.

Matthew 7:9-11 (New International Version)
9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Luke 11:10-12 (New International Version)
10For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
11"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for[a] a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?

In this mindset of permission parenting, life becomes a practice of questioning attitudes and underlying motivations. It becomes looking into the future that the consequences of choices (yours or your kids) will bring. There becomes a larger and larger need for wisdom. And isn’t that where God wants our search for meaning to go…to His provision? And if we ask God for wisdom, what good thing will He give to us, but just that?

www.biblegateway.com

1 Kings 3:7-14 (NIV)
7 "Now, O LORD my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. 8 Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. 9 So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"
10 The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. 11 So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, 12 I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. 13 Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both riches and honor—so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. 14 And if you walk in my ways and obey my statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life."
Luke 15:11-32 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

In permission parenting, my highest value cannot be protection from harm. Sometimes I have to stand back and not swoop in to rescue…and that is hard. It’s easier just to say no and keep a child protected. I think of the story of the Prodigal son.

The Parable of the Lost Son
11Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.[a]'
22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
25"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

I made of list of things for which I try to give my kids permission. Some of them are hard, and I’m still in process of relinquishing control of their lives to God, but aren’t we all in a process of growth?

I give you permission to:

Ask me questions
Feel emotions
Talk to me
Disagree with me
Hurt my feelings
Accept my forgiveness
Have the will God gave you
Learn to give that will to God or me willingly
Learn the hard way
Learn the easy way
Stand up straight
Have an opinion
Wear clothes that don’t match to school
Have your own style
Say no
Say yes
Try something you’re not good at
Ask me why
Grow up at your own pace
Love me willingly
Or not
Learn to live without me

Related words to ponder:

com·men·da·tion
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(k m n-d sh n)
n.
1. The act of commending.
2. Something, especially an official award or citation, that commends.
hm();Sources=Sources 2;
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

ap·prov·al
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( -pr v l)
n.
1. The act or an instance of approving.
2. An official approbation; a sanction.
3. Favorable regard; commendation.
Idiom:
on approval
For examination or trial by a customer without the obligation to buy: took the dress on approval.
hm();Sources=Sources 2;
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

tol·er·ant
play_w("T0253200")

(t l r- nt)
adj.
1. Inclined to tolerate the beliefs, practices, or traits of others; forbearing. See Synonyms at broad-minded.
2. Able to withstand or endure an adverse environmental condition: plants tolerant of extreme heat.
[French tolérant, from Latin toler ns, present participle of toler re, to bear; see tolerate.]
tol er·ant·ly adv.
hm();Sources=Sources 2;
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.