Refracted Messages

Refracted Messages

When I was a kid, I was fascinated with prisms. I’d look for prisms in everyday life; a beveled glass window, a drinking glass, a shard from a lamp shade, or a raindrop on a flower petal. I loved to create a circular rainbow while watering the tomato plants with the garden hose. My prized possession was a prism I bought at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago with my allowance.

Sixth grade science tells us that white light is made up of many colors that can be broken apart using any sort of prism. When the light is bent, our eye receives only part of the truth within the light. What comes to our eye is, in fact, truth, but it’s only a part of the whole.

In communication, a refracted beam of light can represent a message that has been bent. This can be through sarcasm, humor, sending it through another person, phrasing a command in the form of a question, and the list goes on and on. Humans are experts at refracting their messages because they’re smart and clever and extremely adept at reducing pain. Why pain? Because truth hurts. It’s more pleasant to look at a rainbow than to look straight into the intense white light of an unbroken message. It is painful to hear what someone really thinks about you. But refracting a message also makes it difficult on the receiver whose interpretation of the message can be way off. In addition, it is difficult to respond to a refracted message. This means that progress on a difficult issue is nearly impossible.

Suppose my young daughter comes down the stairs Sunday morning wearing 5 clashing colors. I want to teach her how to coordinate colors and save her from certain teasing, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. So, I exclaim, “You look like a rainbow jello!” My daughter likes rainbow jello and so feels like this may be a compliment. However, she picks up on the tone of the comment and wonders at the incongruity, “Does this mean I look pretty like the rainbow jello or does it mean I look silly and should change my clothes?” In the end, the result of the wrong interpretation of the refracted message can be more painful than the "straight truth" that says, "Your clothes don't match," as the child has no way of responding or confirming whether what they interpreted is even close to the intended message.

We learn to refract our messages so early on that we do it almost without thinking. We even call it “tact.” To counter the effects, then, it takes a lot love and extra effort to keep communication clear and open. The child needs to learn how to say, “Mommy, does that mean you like my clothes?” instead of assuming she understands and either becomes concerned about picking out her own clothes or thinks that clashing colors are part of an acceptable wardrobe. When the messages come as sarcasm or humor, strategies at responding to them become a little trickier. But having tools to respond is an important life-skill to learn.

NOTE: I personally think the rainbow jello look is cute!