An old oak
An old oak stands in the forest.
He can see above the trees,
Looking out over the world
Through a hundred years
Of wind and clouds and birds.
A young flower kneels at his root.
She sees the sky through a canopy of knitted branches.
Her translucent petals flutter
as green light filters through the leaves.
Her life is short, fleeting;
Like a smile crossing a face at a distant memory.
The two make a natural pair.
Strength and beauty living in the harmony
of a thousand rustling leaves;
The sound rushing like a running brook.
The oak doesn’t need the flower, but he enjoys her delicate beauty.
He likes to think that some of the joy she brings comes from the protection and nourishment his roots and canopy supply.
He knows her life is fleeting.
He has supported many flowers in his long life in the forest.
Seeing many friends come and pass,
He knows the joy of life is worth the pain of loss.
The flower needs the oak.
His dark, tall strength lending her the protection she needs to bloom.
But there is no shame in her need.
Her delicate beauty enriches the life of the old, knobby oak
And in the blending
They find joy.
By Mindy Hirst
Friday, September 28, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Baby Idealist
The baby idealist says, "The duck is wet. I feel the duck is wet. My mind tells me it is wet; I feel it, and what I feel is real."
Pondering: How does the baby begin to think that the duck is wet? Is it because there is a physical sensation associated with the word “wet” that her mother keeps uttering at the side of the tub?
See…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idealist
…epistemological idealism (also known as the "way of ideas"), asserts that minds are aware of or perceive only their own ideas, and not external objects.
http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=idealist&searchmode=none
ideal
Pondering: How does the baby begin to think that the duck is wet? Is it because there is a physical sensation associated with the word “wet” that her mother keeps uttering at the side of the tub?
See…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idealist
…epistemological idealism (also known as the "way of ideas"), asserts that minds are aware of or perceive only their own ideas, and not external objects.
http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=idealist&searchmode=none
ideal
Baby Pragmatist
The baby pragmatist says, “The duck is wet. I pick it up and drop it back down into the water and it splashes. Mom says, ‘Did you get wet?’ I look at mom and hold it up to her. She says ‘The ducky is wet.’ I hold up another toy and say, ‘wet.’ She nods her head. My testing says that it’s wet.”
Rubber Duck Philosophy
As we walk through the process of writing this book on epistemology (the study of knowledge and the nature of truth), I've been trying to apply the principles and concepts of philosophy to the very basics of life.
I found myself at the side of the tub with a very wet child and a rubber duck bobbing in the water. It made me wonder how the different philosophers would think about the statement, "The duck is wet."
The duck knew this was coming, as my youngest last week dropped it in the toilet and he escaped, being flushed away to sea (at least we hope he makes it eventually).
I found myself at the side of the tub with a very wet child and a rubber duck bobbing in the water. It made me wonder how the different philosophers would think about the statement, "The duck is wet."
The duck knew this was coming, as my youngest last week dropped it in the toilet and he escaped, being flushed away to sea (at least we hope he makes it eventually).
Permissive
Word Reclamation: Permissive
Permission Parenting
The current word reclamation, and then subsequent renaming will be “permissive parenting” to “permission parenting.”
In the extreme of the popular meaning of the word “permissive,” the parent allows their child to have whatever they want, whenever they want it. This may be for a myriad of reasons. Maybe the parent is afraid, indifferent, or indecisive. It may be that the parent thinks that giving the child everything they want will make them happy. The parent may care too much about what other people think, and therefore makes decisions based on that.
Sometimes the description is used to describe discipline tools used by the parent. Time outs or natural consequences being used by more “permissive” parents, while more painful methods used by parents who use more “strict” methods.
But when you put aside the popular concept of the word permissive and consider the definition, it would be difficult to imagine a loving parent not wanting to fit into this definition. Let’s take a look.
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English language defines permissive as:
per·mis·sive
play_w("P0201500")
(p r-m s v)
adj.
1. Granting or inclined to grant permission; tolerant or lenient.
2. Permitting discretion; optional.
3. Archaic Not forbidden; permitted.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
Who of us doesn’t want to give our children good things? Who of us wants to say “no” for the sake of saying it? But with the negativity surrounding the word, parents are afraid to be viewed as permissive because it is seen as spoiling or taking the easy way out.
Part of the reaction to permissiveness is the idea that there is no authority. But when you look at the act of granting permission, authority is the foundational concept. You cannot grant permission without authority.
per·mis·sion
play_w("P0201400")
(p r-m sh n)
n.
1. The act of permitting.
2. Consent, especially formal consent; authorization.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
On the outside, some of the decisions and style of a permission parent may look permissive in the popular sense, but under the surface there is a different structure guiding the decisions.
The reaction to the popular idea of permissive parenting is to go to the extreme in other direction. The popular word for this is “strict,” though I believe this word, too, needs reclamation.
American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source
Strict (strĭkt) Pronunciation Key adj. strict·er, strict·est
1. Precise; exact: a strict definition.
2. Complete; absolute: strict loyalty.
3. Kept within narrowly specific limits: a strict application of a law.
4. Rigorous in the imposition of discipline: a strict parent.
5. Exacting in enforcement, observance, or requirement: strict standards. See Synonyms at severe.
6. Conforming completely to established rule, principle, or condition: a strict vegetarian.
7. Botany Stiff, narrow, and upright.[Middle English stricte, narrow, small, from Latin strictus, tight, strict, past participle of stringere, to draw tight; see streig- in Indo-European roots.] strict'ly adv., strict'ness n.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
Though they appear to be antonyms, these two words are not mutually exclusive. A loving parent can be inclined to grant permission, while also being rigorous in the imposition of discipline. When the goal is to impart values, respect and experiences over compliance, the two can coexist in a complementary relationship.
Values are at the base of the difference. If control is the highest value, then strictness without permissiveness would be the goal. If happiness is the highest value, then permissiveness would be the goal. But when a process of learning is the goal, then a dance using both concepts will be the constant cadence of our lives.
I suggest a new term to describe this dance; “permission parenting.” With this concept, I have many wishes for my kids. I want them to learn to be patient, kind and generous through a healthy balance of yes’s and no’s coupled with teaching and explanations.
I want my kids to wake up each morning to a world full of opportunity. I want them to see that with every no there is a yes. When my little girl was small, she used to go all around the house touching things. I would say, “that’s a no. Go find your yeses” She responded so well to that small explanation. I want to help my kids to look for the yeses in life.
I also want my kids to learn to trust me to answer their questions, and hopefully with that trust, to learn patience.
I want them to know that I value them. I want them to believe that I want to help them learn. Sometimes the answer is simply, “Because I love you, and I’m trying to make the best decision in this.” It’s ok for them to know I have to pray for answers. It’s ok for them to see me change my mind sometimes.
Saying yes to the good with good timing is a wonderful and loving thing to do. The trick is figuring out which things are good and which things are not good. Sometimes it’s not that clear on the surface, and it takes a bit of falling in the mud to figure it out.
Questions I ask:
Is it good for them?
What value will it teach them if I give them permission?
Will it help them learn something?
Will waiting help them develop patience?
Is this a timely request that needs to be accepted now?
Will it make a good and lasting memory of love?
Is it a mistake?
Is it a mistake that they are willing to make and learn from?
One of the synonyms to permissive is tolerant, which also gets a bad wrap. At first glance, we think of tolerating something bad without saying anything, but there is more to the word than that. In a certain context, it doesn’t have to mean tolerating bad behavior. It could mean tolerating and forbearing difficult circumstances.
tol·er·ant
play_w("T0253200")
(t l r- nt)
adj.
1. Inclined to tolerate the beliefs, practices, or traits of others; forbearing. See Synonyms at broad-minded.
2. Able to withstand or endure an adverse environmental condition: plants tolerant of extreme heat.
God doesn’t give us little blank people to mold. They have their own makeup that we work with. Being tolerant of those parts of our kids that we don’t understand and are different from us is a wonderful goal to aspire to. And what parent hasn’t endured adverse environmental conditions?
But this approach takes a strong parent who understands their values and their approach. It illicits criticism. Finally, it takes a lot of work because it is hard not to discourage a question while at the same time address the attitude behind it. It takes constant thinking and dependence on God for wisdom, which means that we will surely fail daily in our humanity.
God is the great parent. Our Father, who art in Heaven… What a wonderful comfort to know that the task of parenting has not been given to us without our being given the most competent example. Sometimes it’s easy to look at this person or that person’s strategy and wonder how their kids “will turn out” in time. It’s like we all want that magic mirror to look into for wisdom. We forget that God has been parenting generations of fallen humans just like our kids, and He has given us glimpses into his strategy through His Word.
There are a couple places in the Gospels that talk about this subject of permission. Jesus talks about God giving us good things when we ask.
Matthew 7:9-11 (New International Version)
9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Luke 11:10-12 (New International Version)
10For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
11"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for[a] a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?
In this mindset of permission parenting, life becomes a practice of questioning attitudes and underlying motivations. It becomes looking into the future that the consequences of choices (yours or your kids) will bring. There becomes a larger and larger need for wisdom. And isn’t that where God wants our search for meaning to go…to His provision? And if we ask God for wisdom, what good thing will He give to us, but just that?
www.biblegateway.com
1 Kings 3:7-14 (NIV)
7 "Now, O LORD my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. 8 Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. 9 So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"
10 The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. 11 So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, 12 I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. 13 Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both riches and honor—so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. 14 And if you walk in my ways and obey my statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life."
Luke 15:11-32 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
In permission parenting, my highest value cannot be protection from harm. Sometimes I have to stand back and not swoop in to rescue…and that is hard. It’s easier just to say no and keep a child protected. I think of the story of the Prodigal son.
The Parable of the Lost Son
11Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.[a]'
22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
25"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
I made of list of things for which I try to give my kids permission. Some of them are hard, and I’m still in process of relinquishing control of their lives to God, but aren’t we all in a process of growth?
I give you permission to:
Ask me questions
Feel emotions
Talk to me
Disagree with me
Hurt my feelings
Accept my forgiveness
Have the will God gave you
Learn to give that will to God or me willingly
Learn the hard way
Learn the easy way
Stand up straight
Have an opinion
Wear clothes that don’t match to school
Have your own style
Say no
Say yes
Try something you’re not good at
Ask me why
Grow up at your own pace
Love me willingly
Or not
Learn to live without me
Related words to ponder:
com·men·da·tion
play_w("C0507900")
(k m n-d sh n)
n.
1. The act of commending.
2. Something, especially an official award or citation, that commends.
hm();Sources=Sources 2;
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
ap·prov·al
play_w("A0384400")
( -pr v l)
n.
1. The act or an instance of approving.
2. An official approbation; a sanction.
3. Favorable regard; commendation.
Idiom:
on approval
For examination or trial by a customer without the obligation to buy: took the dress on approval.
hm();Sources=Sources 2;
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
tol·er·ant
play_w("T0253200")
(t l r- nt)
adj.
1. Inclined to tolerate the beliefs, practices, or traits of others; forbearing. See Synonyms at broad-minded.
2. Able to withstand or endure an adverse environmental condition: plants tolerant of extreme heat.
[French tolérant, from Latin toler ns, present participle of toler re, to bear; see tolerate.]
tol er·ant·ly adv.
hm();Sources=Sources 2;
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
Permission Parenting
The current word reclamation, and then subsequent renaming will be “permissive parenting” to “permission parenting.”
In the extreme of the popular meaning of the word “permissive,” the parent allows their child to have whatever they want, whenever they want it. This may be for a myriad of reasons. Maybe the parent is afraid, indifferent, or indecisive. It may be that the parent thinks that giving the child everything they want will make them happy. The parent may care too much about what other people think, and therefore makes decisions based on that.
Sometimes the description is used to describe discipline tools used by the parent. Time outs or natural consequences being used by more “permissive” parents, while more painful methods used by parents who use more “strict” methods.
But when you put aside the popular concept of the word permissive and consider the definition, it would be difficult to imagine a loving parent not wanting to fit into this definition. Let’s take a look.
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English language defines permissive as:
per·mis·sive
play_w("P0201500")
(p r-m s v)
adj.
1. Granting or inclined to grant permission; tolerant or lenient.
2. Permitting discretion; optional.
3. Archaic Not forbidden; permitted.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
Who of us doesn’t want to give our children good things? Who of us wants to say “no” for the sake of saying it? But with the negativity surrounding the word, parents are afraid to be viewed as permissive because it is seen as spoiling or taking the easy way out.
Part of the reaction to permissiveness is the idea that there is no authority. But when you look at the act of granting permission, authority is the foundational concept. You cannot grant permission without authority.
per·mis·sion
play_w("P0201400")
(p r-m sh n)
n.
1. The act of permitting.
2. Consent, especially formal consent; authorization.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
On the outside, some of the decisions and style of a permission parent may look permissive in the popular sense, but under the surface there is a different structure guiding the decisions.
The reaction to the popular idea of permissive parenting is to go to the extreme in other direction. The popular word for this is “strict,” though I believe this word, too, needs reclamation.
American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source
Strict (strĭkt) Pronunciation Key adj. strict·er, strict·est
1. Precise; exact: a strict definition.
2. Complete; absolute: strict loyalty.
3. Kept within narrowly specific limits: a strict application of a law.
4. Rigorous in the imposition of discipline: a strict parent.
5. Exacting in enforcement, observance, or requirement: strict standards. See Synonyms at severe.
6. Conforming completely to established rule, principle, or condition: a strict vegetarian.
7. Botany Stiff, narrow, and upright.[Middle English stricte, narrow, small, from Latin strictus, tight, strict, past participle of stringere, to draw tight; see streig- in Indo-European roots.] strict'ly adv., strict'ness n.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
Though they appear to be antonyms, these two words are not mutually exclusive. A loving parent can be inclined to grant permission, while also being rigorous in the imposition of discipline. When the goal is to impart values, respect and experiences over compliance, the two can coexist in a complementary relationship.
Values are at the base of the difference. If control is the highest value, then strictness without permissiveness would be the goal. If happiness is the highest value, then permissiveness would be the goal. But when a process of learning is the goal, then a dance using both concepts will be the constant cadence of our lives.
I suggest a new term to describe this dance; “permission parenting.” With this concept, I have many wishes for my kids. I want them to learn to be patient, kind and generous through a healthy balance of yes’s and no’s coupled with teaching and explanations.
I want my kids to wake up each morning to a world full of opportunity. I want them to see that with every no there is a yes. When my little girl was small, she used to go all around the house touching things. I would say, “that’s a no. Go find your yeses” She responded so well to that small explanation. I want to help my kids to look for the yeses in life.
I also want my kids to learn to trust me to answer their questions, and hopefully with that trust, to learn patience.
I want them to know that I value them. I want them to believe that I want to help them learn. Sometimes the answer is simply, “Because I love you, and I’m trying to make the best decision in this.” It’s ok for them to know I have to pray for answers. It’s ok for them to see me change my mind sometimes.
Saying yes to the good with good timing is a wonderful and loving thing to do. The trick is figuring out which things are good and which things are not good. Sometimes it’s not that clear on the surface, and it takes a bit of falling in the mud to figure it out.
Questions I ask:
Is it good for them?
What value will it teach them if I give them permission?
Will it help them learn something?
Will waiting help them develop patience?
Is this a timely request that needs to be accepted now?
Will it make a good and lasting memory of love?
Is it a mistake?
Is it a mistake that they are willing to make and learn from?
One of the synonyms to permissive is tolerant, which also gets a bad wrap. At first glance, we think of tolerating something bad without saying anything, but there is more to the word than that. In a certain context, it doesn’t have to mean tolerating bad behavior. It could mean tolerating and forbearing difficult circumstances.
tol·er·ant
play_w("T0253200")
(t l r- nt)
adj.
1. Inclined to tolerate the beliefs, practices, or traits of others; forbearing. See Synonyms at broad-minded.
2. Able to withstand or endure an adverse environmental condition: plants tolerant of extreme heat.
God doesn’t give us little blank people to mold. They have their own makeup that we work with. Being tolerant of those parts of our kids that we don’t understand and are different from us is a wonderful goal to aspire to. And what parent hasn’t endured adverse environmental conditions?
But this approach takes a strong parent who understands their values and their approach. It illicits criticism. Finally, it takes a lot of work because it is hard not to discourage a question while at the same time address the attitude behind it. It takes constant thinking and dependence on God for wisdom, which means that we will surely fail daily in our humanity.
God is the great parent. Our Father, who art in Heaven… What a wonderful comfort to know that the task of parenting has not been given to us without our being given the most competent example. Sometimes it’s easy to look at this person or that person’s strategy and wonder how their kids “will turn out” in time. It’s like we all want that magic mirror to look into for wisdom. We forget that God has been parenting generations of fallen humans just like our kids, and He has given us glimpses into his strategy through His Word.
There are a couple places in the Gospels that talk about this subject of permission. Jesus talks about God giving us good things when we ask.
Matthew 7:9-11 (New International Version)
9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Luke 11:10-12 (New International Version)
10For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
11"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for[a] a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?
In this mindset of permission parenting, life becomes a practice of questioning attitudes and underlying motivations. It becomes looking into the future that the consequences of choices (yours or your kids) will bring. There becomes a larger and larger need for wisdom. And isn’t that where God wants our search for meaning to go…to His provision? And if we ask God for wisdom, what good thing will He give to us, but just that?
www.biblegateway.com
1 Kings 3:7-14 (NIV)
7 "Now, O LORD my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. 8 Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. 9 So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"
10 The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. 11 So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, 12 I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. 13 Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both riches and honor—so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. 14 And if you walk in my ways and obey my statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life."
Luke 15:11-32 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
In permission parenting, my highest value cannot be protection from harm. Sometimes I have to stand back and not swoop in to rescue…and that is hard. It’s easier just to say no and keep a child protected. I think of the story of the Prodigal son.
The Parable of the Lost Son
11Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.[a]'
22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
25"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
I made of list of things for which I try to give my kids permission. Some of them are hard, and I’m still in process of relinquishing control of their lives to God, but aren’t we all in a process of growth?
I give you permission to:
Ask me questions
Feel emotions
Talk to me
Disagree with me
Hurt my feelings
Accept my forgiveness
Have the will God gave you
Learn to give that will to God or me willingly
Learn the hard way
Learn the easy way
Stand up straight
Have an opinion
Wear clothes that don’t match to school
Have your own style
Say no
Say yes
Try something you’re not good at
Ask me why
Grow up at your own pace
Love me willingly
Or not
Learn to live without me
Related words to ponder:
com·men·da·tion
play_w("C0507900")
(k m n-d sh n)
n.
1. The act of commending.
2. Something, especially an official award or citation, that commends.
hm();Sources=Sources 2;
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
ap·prov·al
play_w("A0384400")
( -pr v l)
n.
1. The act or an instance of approving.
2. An official approbation; a sanction.
3. Favorable regard; commendation.
Idiom:
on approval
For examination or trial by a customer without the obligation to buy: took the dress on approval.
hm();Sources=Sources 2;
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
tol·er·ant
play_w("T0253200")
(t l r- nt)
adj.
1. Inclined to tolerate the beliefs, practices, or traits of others; forbearing. See Synonyms at broad-minded.
2. Able to withstand or endure an adverse environmental condition: plants tolerant of extreme heat.
[French tolérant, from Latin toler ns, present participle of toler re, to bear; see tolerate.]
tol er·ant·ly adv.
hm();Sources=Sources 2;
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
Word Reclamation
Sometimes a word is so over-used in the negative sense, it loses its usefulness to describe something good. Especially if it is used to describe a stereotype, it becomes cultural taboo to be associated with it, and people are then almost permanently cut off from a word tool. It’s fun to go through the mental process of word reclamation by analyzing its meaning, and putting it in a new light. It may not take away the connotations that an over-use could create, but it may regain some of its richness and usefulness over time. One side of me would want to begin using it in its new, positive sense, but a more practical solution is to come up with a similar, but new word to describe the new idea. The intent of this section is to walk through words in a process of “word reclamation” in order to spark thought about a subject and possibly enrich the meaning of a word tool.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Jello on the Wall...Honest Reactions
Jello on the Wall
My new motto is forming: Honest flaws for honest growth. I’ve been learning a lot about honesty, and how many places in my life are coated with its antithesis. I’m not talking about outright lies, but a subtle, acceptable, an even likable tendency to read a situation and react in the most acceptable way possible in the culture I am in. It stems from a need to be liked, accepted, even an illusion of perfection or politeness. Sometimes I call it self-control; sometimes consideration. When I make decisions, it’s hard to think through the muck of intentions. But I’m learning that if I can strip away the coating of likableness in my heart, then I am given the clarity that enables growth. I can face the fear or anger in the pit of my stomach and instead of covering it up, I can look intently into its face and choose what to do, rather than react out of fear or insecurity. Honest selfishness is a better starting point for growth than white-washed cultural fluency. Like a radio that hones into the right frequency, honesty brings clarity to the Holy Spirit’s voice. The message hasn’t changed, but I can hear it, and it sounds more and more beautiful the closer my dial comes to the source.
My life is full of opportunities to react with cultural nicety, or with honest reaction. Once we reach a place of honesty, hopefully we will stop reacting and begin responding with the Holy Spirit’s prodding to show true and honest love when we are wronged, irritated or insulted.
This week has been particularly full of memories and current moments of what God is teaching me about honesty. In my daily routine of taking care of small children, my mind often wanders to my mother. Memories flash across my mind when I smell the baby lotion or hear a certain inflection in my own voice. It’s like she’s talking through the years through my very own voice. Most recently, my reverie brought me back to a moment when I was three years old, wanting so desperately to be a big helper on grocery shopping day. My mom allowed me for the first time to take the plastic gallon jug of milk from the car, up the stairs, through the living room, and then, with my cold hands slipping on the condensation and my little arms aching from the load, less than 2 feet from the lanolium kitchen floor, I dropped it. The plastic cracked and I saw a gallon of white liquid squirt out. Glug, glug, glug, I saw 8 pounds of milk seep into the carpet and saturate its way into the padding and down to the floorboard beneath. I cried. Not out of fear, but of failure. I looked up and there she was, the most beautiful woman in the world, (of course), blond curls framing a tender look. It was ok.
I wonder if I could be that calm. I think of the moment when I looked out at my 16 month old in the yard. We made eye contact, and she pulled the sausage of dried dog poop out of her mouth and offered it to me. I wasn’t that calm. I scooped her up and ran her upstairs to the sink as fast as I could, rinsing her mouth out and sanitizing her hands.
I think of the moment when I spent precious time finding and printing a picture out of the computer to use for a party game and brought it into the room. Proudly, I leaned down to show the younger two kids the picture and they grabbed it and crumpled it in delight. When I finally pried it out of the baby’s hand, seeing it was useless, I crumpled it in frustration and threw it in the garbage.
There are times when I’ve made conscious choices to act a certain way regardless of my feelings. Wet beds at night are one of those. As a chronic bed wetter, I had the benefit of a wonderful example in my mom. When I awoke in the night to cold, clingy sheets and a sharp smell, I never felt shame or fear. She quietly and lovingly replaced the sheets and tucked me in. I try to respond that way, remembering how much that experience convinced me of her love.
But how do I know my mother’s extreme patience in those moments was not a carefully planned stoicism…a detachment from the reality of little children? I know because of her honest reactions, and willingness to allow us to see her weaknesses. I remember one time, mom was on the phone and something upset her so badly that she took the bowl of Jello she was working on, and threw it against the wall. I walked into the room to see the remains of the sweet gelatin creeping down the wall leaving a red stain behind, and saw a mother who had just had an honest release. She always thought we teased her about the Jello on the wall because we liked to torture her. I know it was because that one, rare moment of human frailty solidified the honesty of all the moments of patient love she gave to us.
When we don’t live honestly, we begin to die inside. We look around for how we should act to be accepted. We crave approval. Without honesty, we begin to lose sight of what is real. We don’t have our identity in Christ, and we begin to not even know who we are anymore. We get hurt when our efforts don’t gain for us the fulfillment we are looking for, and we carry grudges of hurt and pain.
When I live in this mindset, I feel dead inside. All this trying to make people around me happy saps my energy, and leaves nothing left to grow in Christ. I can’t hear God’s voice because I’m listening to all these other voices around me…voices of expectation, service, and duty. I can’t hear what God is asking me to do today.
I wonder if this was the problem with the Pharisees and the teachers of the law. Jesus called them white-washed tombs, full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.
Matthew 23:27 (New International Version)
27"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean.
The problem with honesty is that it opens you up to judgement from other people, and that can be painful. No wonder Jesus talks so strongly about judgement.
Matthew 7:1-3 (New International Version)
Judging Others
1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
That’s also why it is so important to have our identity in Christ. If who we are is not dependent on what anyone else thinks of us, then we are not vulnerable. We are protected by a perfect love that casts out all fear.
1 John 4:18 (New International Version)
18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
It’s fun to take a truth and look into a world where it is played out as the rule rather than the exception. What if we taught our children to be honest with themselves and others? What if we praised them for honest growth rather than what looks good on the outside? Would our relationships be healthier? Could we move forward in love without fear? It would be ok to say, “That hurts” or “I don’t want to.” Would we be hurt less often and heal more quickly?
Speaking the truth in love is difficult. Today my daughter looked out the window and announced that the neighbor children were smashing mushrooms in the front yard. I felt the anger well up, and I took a deep breath. I wanted to do the right thing, so I prayed. Then I opened the front door to see smashed and broken mushrooms and a flattened flowerbed. The huge mushrooms that fascinated me the morning before littered the front steps. The old me would have reacted very differently. I would have gone outside, and quietly cleaned up the mess without saying a word, knowing that if I said anything, I would feel guilty later. Instead, I called over to the children and asked them if they had plans to clean up the mess. I didn’t yell, I simply asked them to take responsibility, and they rose to the calling. I did not get an apology, but they knew I was not happy, and there was no yelling necessary. Hopefully, future mushrooms will be saved from certain demise.
Ephesians 4:14-16 (New International Version)
14Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. 15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
It is neat to see how what you learn as a parent changes what you teach your kids. I used to believe a good goal was to teach kids how to act to be acceptable. The “pleases,” “thank-you’s” and “I’m sorry’s” were to keep the peace, not to teach a moral and relational lesson. Teaching them a polite tone was to avoid having them in time-out at school, not about respect. Now I see that it’s more important to teach them the reason behind the “I forgive you” than to get them to say it through clenched teeth. I would much rather see an honest grudge in my child, than one suppressed, because honesty is easier to work with than a cover-up. I still believe we should teach kids politeness, but always on a foundation of honesty with the goal of bringing them along a path of understanding about respecting others, repentance, and forgiveness.
Teaching kids to be honest with themselves and others equips them to form honest and healthy relationships with genuine affection, without a need to hint to get their needs across. Built on a foundation of honesty, their relationships can be secure.
On my daughter’s birthday, her little brother could not be convinced that it was not his special day. He kept insisting all day that it was his “Dirtday.” All day, my daughter reinforced that it was her birthday and his would come another day, but he could not be convinced. When it came to present time, there was a gift for him too. None of us knew how she would react, since transparency is a strong trait in her. When the gifts were open, she leaned over to her brother and said, “I’m glad you got those trains.” Nobody was watching, she just had an honest moment of generosity. The next day, he sat alone at the kitchen table with a leftover piece of cake on a pony plate and happily sang, “Happy Dirtday, Dear Sister, Happy Dirtday to You.” Honest love in relationship.
After the kids finished cleaning up the big pieces of mushroom, I swept up the remnants. Looking down, I saw what was left of another set of neighbor children’s chalk drawing. A set of arrows went down the stairs, across the sidewalk and up to their home where there was a birthday wish for my daughter written on the driveway; an honest chalk path of friendship.
Life is not a finished article, it’s a work in process, with spelling errors, fragments, and jumbled thoughts, moving along the page as the thoughts pour out. If we stand back, watching from afar, we may gain head-knowledge of what works and doesn’t work, but we don’t increase our skill at living. We have to get out there and make the hard mistakes. We have to wade our way through the muck of this world in order to make any progress. And we have to be honest to grow.
My new motto is forming: Honest flaws for honest growth. I’ve been learning a lot about honesty, and how many places in my life are coated with its antithesis. I’m not talking about outright lies, but a subtle, acceptable, an even likable tendency to read a situation and react in the most acceptable way possible in the culture I am in. It stems from a need to be liked, accepted, even an illusion of perfection or politeness. Sometimes I call it self-control; sometimes consideration. When I make decisions, it’s hard to think through the muck of intentions. But I’m learning that if I can strip away the coating of likableness in my heart, then I am given the clarity that enables growth. I can face the fear or anger in the pit of my stomach and instead of covering it up, I can look intently into its face and choose what to do, rather than react out of fear or insecurity. Honest selfishness is a better starting point for growth than white-washed cultural fluency. Like a radio that hones into the right frequency, honesty brings clarity to the Holy Spirit’s voice. The message hasn’t changed, but I can hear it, and it sounds more and more beautiful the closer my dial comes to the source.
My life is full of opportunities to react with cultural nicety, or with honest reaction. Once we reach a place of honesty, hopefully we will stop reacting and begin responding with the Holy Spirit’s prodding to show true and honest love when we are wronged, irritated or insulted.
This week has been particularly full of memories and current moments of what God is teaching me about honesty. In my daily routine of taking care of small children, my mind often wanders to my mother. Memories flash across my mind when I smell the baby lotion or hear a certain inflection in my own voice. It’s like she’s talking through the years through my very own voice. Most recently, my reverie brought me back to a moment when I was three years old, wanting so desperately to be a big helper on grocery shopping day. My mom allowed me for the first time to take the plastic gallon jug of milk from the car, up the stairs, through the living room, and then, with my cold hands slipping on the condensation and my little arms aching from the load, less than 2 feet from the lanolium kitchen floor, I dropped it. The plastic cracked and I saw a gallon of white liquid squirt out. Glug, glug, glug, I saw 8 pounds of milk seep into the carpet and saturate its way into the padding and down to the floorboard beneath. I cried. Not out of fear, but of failure. I looked up and there she was, the most beautiful woman in the world, (of course), blond curls framing a tender look. It was ok.
I wonder if I could be that calm. I think of the moment when I looked out at my 16 month old in the yard. We made eye contact, and she pulled the sausage of dried dog poop out of her mouth and offered it to me. I wasn’t that calm. I scooped her up and ran her upstairs to the sink as fast as I could, rinsing her mouth out and sanitizing her hands.
I think of the moment when I spent precious time finding and printing a picture out of the computer to use for a party game and brought it into the room. Proudly, I leaned down to show the younger two kids the picture and they grabbed it and crumpled it in delight. When I finally pried it out of the baby’s hand, seeing it was useless, I crumpled it in frustration and threw it in the garbage.
There are times when I’ve made conscious choices to act a certain way regardless of my feelings. Wet beds at night are one of those. As a chronic bed wetter, I had the benefit of a wonderful example in my mom. When I awoke in the night to cold, clingy sheets and a sharp smell, I never felt shame or fear. She quietly and lovingly replaced the sheets and tucked me in. I try to respond that way, remembering how much that experience convinced me of her love.
But how do I know my mother’s extreme patience in those moments was not a carefully planned stoicism…a detachment from the reality of little children? I know because of her honest reactions, and willingness to allow us to see her weaknesses. I remember one time, mom was on the phone and something upset her so badly that she took the bowl of Jello she was working on, and threw it against the wall. I walked into the room to see the remains of the sweet gelatin creeping down the wall leaving a red stain behind, and saw a mother who had just had an honest release. She always thought we teased her about the Jello on the wall because we liked to torture her. I know it was because that one, rare moment of human frailty solidified the honesty of all the moments of patient love she gave to us.
When we don’t live honestly, we begin to die inside. We look around for how we should act to be accepted. We crave approval. Without honesty, we begin to lose sight of what is real. We don’t have our identity in Christ, and we begin to not even know who we are anymore. We get hurt when our efforts don’t gain for us the fulfillment we are looking for, and we carry grudges of hurt and pain.
When I live in this mindset, I feel dead inside. All this trying to make people around me happy saps my energy, and leaves nothing left to grow in Christ. I can’t hear God’s voice because I’m listening to all these other voices around me…voices of expectation, service, and duty. I can’t hear what God is asking me to do today.
I wonder if this was the problem with the Pharisees and the teachers of the law. Jesus called them white-washed tombs, full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.
Matthew 23:27 (New International Version)
27"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean.
The problem with honesty is that it opens you up to judgement from other people, and that can be painful. No wonder Jesus talks so strongly about judgement.
Matthew 7:1-3 (New International Version)
Judging Others
1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
That’s also why it is so important to have our identity in Christ. If who we are is not dependent on what anyone else thinks of us, then we are not vulnerable. We are protected by a perfect love that casts out all fear.
1 John 4:18 (New International Version)
18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
It’s fun to take a truth and look into a world where it is played out as the rule rather than the exception. What if we taught our children to be honest with themselves and others? What if we praised them for honest growth rather than what looks good on the outside? Would our relationships be healthier? Could we move forward in love without fear? It would be ok to say, “That hurts” or “I don’t want to.” Would we be hurt less often and heal more quickly?
Speaking the truth in love is difficult. Today my daughter looked out the window and announced that the neighbor children were smashing mushrooms in the front yard. I felt the anger well up, and I took a deep breath. I wanted to do the right thing, so I prayed. Then I opened the front door to see smashed and broken mushrooms and a flattened flowerbed. The huge mushrooms that fascinated me the morning before littered the front steps. The old me would have reacted very differently. I would have gone outside, and quietly cleaned up the mess without saying a word, knowing that if I said anything, I would feel guilty later. Instead, I called over to the children and asked them if they had plans to clean up the mess. I didn’t yell, I simply asked them to take responsibility, and they rose to the calling. I did not get an apology, but they knew I was not happy, and there was no yelling necessary. Hopefully, future mushrooms will be saved from certain demise.
Ephesians 4:14-16 (New International Version)
14Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. 15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
It is neat to see how what you learn as a parent changes what you teach your kids. I used to believe a good goal was to teach kids how to act to be acceptable. The “pleases,” “thank-you’s” and “I’m sorry’s” were to keep the peace, not to teach a moral and relational lesson. Teaching them a polite tone was to avoid having them in time-out at school, not about respect. Now I see that it’s more important to teach them the reason behind the “I forgive you” than to get them to say it through clenched teeth. I would much rather see an honest grudge in my child, than one suppressed, because honesty is easier to work with than a cover-up. I still believe we should teach kids politeness, but always on a foundation of honesty with the goal of bringing them along a path of understanding about respecting others, repentance, and forgiveness.
Teaching kids to be honest with themselves and others equips them to form honest and healthy relationships with genuine affection, without a need to hint to get their needs across. Built on a foundation of honesty, their relationships can be secure.
On my daughter’s birthday, her little brother could not be convinced that it was not his special day. He kept insisting all day that it was his “Dirtday.” All day, my daughter reinforced that it was her birthday and his would come another day, but he could not be convinced. When it came to present time, there was a gift for him too. None of us knew how she would react, since transparency is a strong trait in her. When the gifts were open, she leaned over to her brother and said, “I’m glad you got those trains.” Nobody was watching, she just had an honest moment of generosity. The next day, he sat alone at the kitchen table with a leftover piece of cake on a pony plate and happily sang, “Happy Dirtday, Dear Sister, Happy Dirtday to You.” Honest love in relationship.
After the kids finished cleaning up the big pieces of mushroom, I swept up the remnants. Looking down, I saw what was left of another set of neighbor children’s chalk drawing. A set of arrows went down the stairs, across the sidewalk and up to their home where there was a birthday wish for my daughter written on the driveway; an honest chalk path of friendship.
Life is not a finished article, it’s a work in process, with spelling errors, fragments, and jumbled thoughts, moving along the page as the thoughts pour out. If we stand back, watching from afar, we may gain head-knowledge of what works and doesn’t work, but we don’t increase our skill at living. We have to get out there and make the hard mistakes. We have to wade our way through the muck of this world in order to make any progress. And we have to be honest to grow.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Golden Moment
In the light of this coming autumn, here is a wish that everyone has a golden moment of their own...
Golden Moment
a moment shimmers
gold and clear
in this yellow place
warm light flickers
as golden crowns wave
on top of great trunks
white and straight
a yellow blanket
crunches beneath my weight
earth and sky meet
in a canopy of light
my nostrils tingle
with the first hint of winter
air expanding my lungs
the autumn mountain
smells of burning leaves
i dare not move
and disrupt the magic
in this yellow light
yesterday, tomorrow and today
blend
in this golden moment
memories and dreams
mix into one
like warm light
and cool air marry into joy
how long will this moment last?
i wonder
if the watch ticking out the seconds
has stopped
i dare not look
and see the moment vanish
By Mindy Hirst
Golden Moment
a moment shimmers
gold and clear
in this yellow place
warm light flickers
as golden crowns wave
on top of great trunks
white and straight
a yellow blanket
crunches beneath my weight
earth and sky meet
in a canopy of light
my nostrils tingle
with the first hint of winter
air expanding my lungs
the autumn mountain
smells of burning leaves
i dare not move
and disrupt the magic
in this yellow light
yesterday, tomorrow and today
blend
in this golden moment
memories and dreams
mix into one
like warm light
and cool air marry into joy
how long will this moment last?
i wonder
if the watch ticking out the seconds
has stopped
i dare not look
and see the moment vanish
By Mindy Hirst
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